Unapologetically Sexy

Tonight was the first time, probably in my whole life, that I felt deeply, serenely and unapologetically sexy. I was standing in a dimly lit room being witnessed by women, by sisters, by tribe. As I began to move, to dance, to feel the warmth of my skin and let down my hair, the entire world melted away. I fell into the music, I fell into myself, into the safest most vulnerable paradise I’ve ever known inside my sexuality.

And I finally understood.

I am safe in my own skin. I am free to take up my god-given space, to live all the way to the surface of my lips and the diameter of my hips. It’s my right and my need to fill out and fill in the true essence of my womanhood – without excuses, apologies, jokes or armor.

It’s my right to be stripped down and free. Anywhere, anytime, any place.

Apologies and Fear

I realize now the gravity of a lifetime of apologizing for my sensuality, my radiance, my fire. At first it was exploited so then it was unsafe to share. And then later, as womanhood began to take hold, I was harassed and bullied by mean girls (and boys on occasion) for being all the wonderful things I was – talented, smart, driven, attractive, athletic, etc. And then it became a tool of manipulation and power. And then…and then it retreated into uncertainty, not knowing who or what to trust.

Over my life, my inner eroticism or divine feminine was always at the service of others. Don’t be too pretty. Don’t be too fun. Don’t take up too much space. Be just pretty enough. Make sure the other girls don’t feel threatened. Make everything a joke. Control him. Stay quiet. And anytime my sexuality was playing out loud, it was always far enough away from people to feel like I was still hidden and safe. My secrets were safe. The hurt and the hunger both remained restrained and my illusion of sexual freedom still had me bound, gagged and buried.

Liberation

But tonight was a victory. I feel like I grasped something I deemed impossible or intangible. As I moved through the room, I moved only for me. I pushed my wild energy out beyond my body and was celebrated by others. I let them celebrate me. I celebrated myself – my curves, my saunter, my soulfulness. There was nowhere to be, no one to meet, no thought to think, no mirrors to analyze and nobody to impress. I was no longer looking at myself through the lens of other people…whoa.

I needed only to speak the previously-silenced language of my body in feminine motion. I could have remained in one place in one movement the entire time and it would have been just as euphoric. I was finally free. I was finally safe. I am my own cause for celebration. I am not sorry.

Stripped Down

There are many paths to the same nirvana. Over the last 2 years I have done so much inner work to strip back the layers of masculinity, armor and anger. I did core energetics. I went to workshops. I had honest conversations. I did rituals, threw out old clothes and softened my energy. And just when I thought I had plateaued in my journey back to my feminine gravitational center, the next step appeared.

When I first walked into the S Factor studio I thought, “are these women high?” The energy is boisterous, voices are squealing, music is booming and the whole thing is totally strangely intoxicating, if not at first. I moved through the levels, ecstatic and eager. I learned some pole tricks. I explored some music. Some time went by. But I still couldn’t figure out what these people were “on”. I started getting nervous and feeling like I didn’t belong. And then out of nowhere I got zapped.

The journey broke me open first. It revealed insecurities I forgot I ever had and fears I often overlooked. And then it lifted me up and out of my own melodramas, injuries and histories and into a space of ownership. I can have my bliss. I can have my joy. I can have my eroticism. I can brush my teeth with it, walk down the street with it, teach a class with it, run a meeting with it, deliver babies with it, cry with it, love my family with it and celebrate my friends with it.

I know there will be more hard moments, more learning, more tears and more discoveries. But I have my sexy to move through it with me.

As women, we can be unapologetically sexy ALL THE TIME. This is our right. This is our liberation. This is our survival.

You are all so sexy.