Extraction Isn’t Failure

One of the things I’ve learned this year is that continuously putting myself in situations that are challenging, overwhelming or triggering for me in order to “overcome” said situations and achieve non-reactivity is actually a terrible practice.

I realized today that it’s like throwing a child abuse victim in a room with his abuser on a regular basis until he no longer feels the pain and agony. It’s like asking an alcoholic to sit in a bar until she no longer wants to drink. This is the process of numbness, not of overcoming. It’s abusive.

But alas, we are so hard on ourselves. My intentions were good, really. I did not mean to hurt myself (and others) by continuing to expose myself to circumstances that did not serve my highest good. I really honestly thought that there was something wrong with me and I just needed to find inner peace and love in my heart and be able to be like the other people there.

What I understand now is that I was simply sidelining my core needs and ignoring serious sensitivities. Then (ridiculously) I wondered why, time and again, I grew reactive, frustrated and watched myself act out in sheer self-judgment and self-punishment for not feeling GREAT in those situations.

I needed to be able to step into those situations, events and happenings on my terms and in full integrity with my basic needs – or not at all.

Do it with love or don’t do it at all.

This is a pattern that has its origins in my family dynamics. I would sacrifice vocalizing my own needs in order to maintain the precarious stability of the whole. But in doing so, the whole is weakened or becomes dependent upon a false floor. A trap door.

From today’s vantage point I finally understand that extracting myself from or saying no to situations (and relationships) that are uncomfortable to me is not failure, it’s victory. Today I understand that vocalizing my needs in a way others can hear and sticking to them is not being “needy” or “selfish” or “controlling,” it’s being caring and kind to myself and it allows others to do the same. And it frees me up to move onto higher vibrations, and to attract situations that do serve my heart, my soul and my highest good. Saying no does not relegate me to isolation; it permits room in my life for the best possible opportunities to enter.

I cannot continue to have unreasonable and unhealthy expectations of myself and anticipate a peaceful outcome. Removing myself from circumstances that do not serve my own highest good, that do not lift me up and make my heart sing, is the sanest thing I can do. Continuing to throw myself into the fire and expecting I’ll get used to the burning sensation is total and utter insanity.

This is not failure.

This is self-care. This is the way to inner peace. This is the choice that opens unseen pathways to gentler days. This is not saying no. This is saying yes to a better way of being in my own skin and a part of world.

Today I let go of the shame I’ve carried of not being “like others.” Today I am proud to be my complete self.