As sensitive of a person as I am, I am regularly shocked at how often I feel like the “bull in the China shop.” Comments or attitude fly forward from me every now and then that (while having internal roots in a good place) come off as flippant, arrogant, controlling or just abrasive. Most often it is a consequence of not knowing how to harness my excitement or passion about a particular topic or situation in a sensitive way. Instead of offering an enthusiastic idea, it seems to others that I am asserting my view as the only truth – righteous and persistent. An eagerness to help can sound like orders being issued.
One of my biggest challenges lately has been finding a way to be graceful in my honest communication with others at the day-to-day, moment-to-moment level. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself that I resolve to never speak again, or even worse, to alienate myself from my friends (perhaps in hopes to do no further harm). This has become on even bigger challenge lately because I have gone through a lot of major change in the past year and am trying to figure out how I fit into the world out there again and how to function in my relationships – now that I am operating at a different level and feeling like a new person. I feel like an infant in a giant’s body – just learning how far my arms reach and how awkwardly my legs walk, and only beginning to process my own strength.
Sometimes it feels like self-awareness can make these things even more painful. I become instantly aware of how ‘off’ something comes across as it’s coming out of my mouth. Because my intention is usually not to offend or to hurt, I become the victim of my own actions and then proceed with endless internal self-punishment.
Tone and timing are invaluable for communicating effectively. Being naturally empathic, I am usually quite good at using these tools. But when impulse, excitement, stress or frustration take hold, my natural gifts have been known to turn against me. Leadership qualities morph into dictator-like actions and calm and cool confidence begets self-centric superiority.
Harnessing my personal power proves to be my biggest area of hard work and discipline at this point in my journey. Now that I have done the dirty work of taking that power back from the people and the parent to whom I gave it away, it’s what I do with it that matters most. I am eager to find a way to channel my energy, enthusiasm, and strength into an explosion of joy and inspiration, rather than a bull in a China shop bringing porcelain crashing down around me.
With accountability and humility,
Erika
What are your own tools for harnessing your personal power?
Stephanie says
I look forward to following you on the journey. I am an extroverted introvert, so I sit in quiet and pounce only when I am sure. As for harnessing the personal power, I try to breath in through my nose and out through my mouth, keep my eyes open, my heart available, and trust that I am really on to something.